2022 Reflections

It’s a little bit funny that my word for 2022 was “Steadying” because the year was anything but. Sometimes you set an intention and the universe laughs. But I can say without a doubt I am walking out of 2022 the most “me” I have ever felt. With wholehearted abandon I got 6 new tattoos in 5 months and 2 piercings on a whim that I couldn’t imagine my face without now.

 I had some very intense relationships that allowed me to learn a shit ton about what I want and deserve when it comes to being in relationship…my patterns, my attachment style, how I show up. I discovered that at my core I am more Relationship Anarchist than I am even polyamorous. I have enjoyed sexual friendships and have realized the power in platonic partnerships (Amy is my queer platonic life partner forever and ever.) As I put my last playbill away today I counted and I saw 20 musicals in 2022. After having zero from March 2020 to August 2021 - it feels wonderful to be back in abundance of theater and to already have many planned for 2023. My reading habit has unfortunately been abysmal this year. And I hope to get back on my regular track next year. 

Before July, I had only been on a plane solo one other time and I had barely traveled solo just via car. I flew 7 times this year. I stayed in Airbnbs 9 times solo plus a couple hotels. Have found my favorite spot in San Rafael for my city shows. I didn’t realize how much I needed the space away from the kids and partners and clients and everything to just think and work and down regulate my nervous system. I’m sure those numbers will increase in 2023. 

It’s been a wild fucking year when it comes to my health. I found out in January of this year that my RA had progressed enough that I needed to move on to adding a Biologic to my medications.  I grappled and grieved the reality that I would be injected with something for the rest of my life. I started Humira.  A month later I got a full body drug reaction rash that put me on a high steroid taper that took me from April to July to taper down on.  In April I got Covid for the first time. Once the steroid taper was done we decided to have me try a new biologic - Orencia this time.  Immediately got a horrific kidney infection…we thought it was killed with one round of antibiotics…it returned while we were camping and Chris and I had to go almost an hour to a rural ER.  The kidney infection set off the whole chaos of finding my cervix stuff and what led to what should’ve been my hysterectomy this week. But Covid was like nope, I’m back! So now the surgery is rescheduled for Valentine’s Day 2023.  In the meantime, I’ve never been fully properly treated for RA, only bandaided with steroids and medication stops and starts through the chaos.  So here’s hoping that getting through the hysterectomy and getting the medication right, that 2023 will be a much more positive year when it comes to feeling well. Sometimes I can get down about how much it takes me to stay well. I have: a therapist, psychiatrist, Primary DO doctor, Integrative MD, two acupuncturists, a massage therapist (who also happens to be one of my close friends), two naturopaths now, a rheumatologist, a regular OB, now a urogynocologist, a chiropractor, an osteopath, too many chronic pain devices, herbs, supplements, creams and medications to count. I do floats, I try to get to asha when I can. Someday I’ll have my own freaking yoga practice back again. I write all of this out not for sympathy but more to remind myself that I’m DOING A LOT. And I am my own worst critic when I still struggle despite all of this. But I am proud of myself and proud that I keep fighting and keep going and striving to do all of the things I want in my life - despite. 

This year, I learned the meaning of twin flame and soul connection.  I learned what it’s like to love someone with an addiction. Between a new therapist from last January whom I love, and with some really dear friends’ cheering me on, I’ve come the farthest I’ve ever been with setting boundaries in a healthier way. And that I have to love myself to set them so that I can love others with the wild abandon that is my nature.  I can’t keep abandoning myself and that impetus was tested So. Many. Times. This Year. I can not abandon myself AND still love and be loved fiercely. 

I got closer to my metamours this year, including our crazy Hearst Castle camping trip, our polycule continues to become family. 

Amy moved in May and ironically we became closer than we were in Sacramento and we are on track to birth two businesses together in 2023. San Diego has become a true second home to me. The Moys, chosen family. 

Maybe I’m wrong to think steadying was the wrong word. Maybe it was in fact the right word, I just didn’t realize how much of an unsteady and chaotic year would need to happen to allow the stage to be set for the end of the year to find that steadying feeling. It’s like the settling of the snow after a snow globe has been shaken up.  As I end this year recalibrating expectations after the surgery reschedule and making all of the lemonade out of lemons (see the graphic below that Curt sent me that pretty much sums up the year) and spending time in the snow with a partner today, and planning my birthday next week, I am feeling myself getting to that steady place. So maybe it’s not that the year was all about steadying - it’s that the chaos and unsteadiness of the year is what needed to happen to get to a place of ACTUAL steadying. 

It’s been one of the hardest years for me personally. But I am grateful for all of the experiences it threw at me - the physical pain, the pure heartbreak, the repairs, the strengthening of relationships, the development of new ones, because it has all made me who I am today. 

“Who can say if I’ve been changed for better…I do believe I have been changed for the better...But because I knew you, I have been changed For Good” 

And yep - that’s gonna be the next tattoo I get with Gary in a couple weeks in SD :) Add to my musical tattoo arm. 

I am feeling really excited and hopeful for 2023.  I have picked a word and have some thoughts around intentions. I  hope to get some time this week to write and dream and plan and share. 

Happy New Year, friends.

Questions and No Answers

Yesterday I spent most of the day crying on and off.  Culminating in ugly-cry sobbing in one of my partner’s arms for an hour, my body shaking, breathing hard while he somehow wrapped me in compassion.  My fingers ache as I type this. I’ve just finished a prednisone taper and the RA is fighting back. The months and months of pushing and holding it together collapsing beneath me. But on top of processing with my people, I process by writing. So here I am, turning to the blank page to spray my thoughts across the internet. In some way hoping you can relate. Even if it’s just a piece of it.  Maybe you aren’t a parent. Maybe you aren’t a business owner. Maybe you aren’t polyamorous or coming into new pieces of your identity and sexuality. Maybe you don’t have a chronic pain autoimmune disease.  But maybe you have bits and pieces of all of these things and can relate to the absolute relentlessness of life right now.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m heartbroken and tired from having to carry so much heaviness. Sometimes I feel just numb and dead inside.  I’m tired of doing the endless mental math. Worried, apprehensive phone calls and texts with my employees who are also good friends. What’s “safe enough” - what’s not? When do we need to cancel a class at the studio? Do people still want to come in person? Is my studio the only place that feels safe because we are taking precautions and following the rules?? Will I ever feel safe in a yoga studio again after all that we have watched crumble in that community these last two years? How many times do I have to furiously answer emails on my phone or make last minute changes? Can I afford an assistant to take the pressure off? Or do I need to wait and see if everything collapses again?

When will I not have this huge wave of grief every Friday when I have to spend Sutter Group on Zoom with a handful of sad, numb postpartum moms, when I used to be able to hug the same moms in person with their first kids in a crowded room of 35+ moms two years ago?

When will kids under 5 be able to get the vaccine? When will we stop seeing scary headlines of hospitalized kids and risks for future underlying diseases? If I get it - will I get sicker because of the RA? Even while boosted? WHY are people still not vaccinated? Why are people willfully filling up hospitals and dying??? Will I ever be able to look at certain people the same after all of this is over?  Will this EVER all be over?

When will we get to stop freezing our asses off outside or with my studio garage open - which by the way makes my RA WAY worse - because it’s safer Covid-wise?

The thought of schools shutting down again or Chris’s Amtrak runs being changed again physically makes my stomach turn. I don’t know how we keep going. 

I told boyfriend Chris (yes, more than one Chris, if you weren’t keeping track) - that I’m so frustrated that my body is not cooperating with me on top of everything else. And he said “It’s really not fair that this whole new world and identity has opened up to you while you’re also trying to learn your body’s limits.”  It’s true. I feel like I’m a completely different person than I was 2 years ago.  Even one year. And navigating all of that while dealing with chronic pain and the constant hyper vigilance around Covid for the health and safety of my people and for the wellbeing of my business have me in a constant state of nervous system overdrive and overload that something has got to give.

And this is certainly not me asking for advice or suggestions on how to fix any number of things,  because believe me I’ve done IT ALL. And continue to do it all. And I know by comparison I am incredibly lucky. I have multiple committed partners who love me - metamours that I care a lot about - best friends who get me, know me and love me - parents who are in town to help - a fantastic babysitter - a therapist, a psychiatrist, an acupuncturist (2 once Molly is back to work), a massage therapist who is also one of my best friends. Conversely, I have friends who are healthcare workers or have spouses who are healthcare workers who are terrified. I’m watching single moms try to impossibly navigate this alone. I have a minimum of three good friends dealing with divorce. Half a dozen of close people in my life are pregnant and fearing for what this new variant could do to their labor, themselves and their babies. I’m holding all of this because my empathetic heart doesn’t know how not to and it’s too heavy. And my hands full of rheumatoid disease - calling it arthritis negates the severity - cannot keep holding it.  I have a lot of good in my life- and yet I’m still really struggling. And I just want you to know that you aren’t alone if you are too.  

On Identifying as Polyamorous

For anyone who has been around me for any length of time this last year, it’s been no small feat the amount of growth I have experienced as a person. There are a lot of factors that have made that possible, but one of the biggest ones is that at the beginning of the year Chris and I decided to open up our marriage to additional relationships. It was something we had been talking about for many years, but not something we had decided to take action on until the pandemic began starting to wind down. Sometimes I wonder if we would’ve taken the leap if we hadn’t been coming out of a year of such intense isolation and collective grief? How the path would’ve looked different at a different time in our life. In the early months we stumbled around a bit, reading the books, articles, finding our footing in what works for us as a couple and as a family. We identify as polyamorous. For me it feels like an identity I’ve always had but not one I was able to act on - or one that I even necessarily knew was a “thing.” 

I also identify as bisexual/pansexual. 

Chris and I have been together for 15 years this coming January. And when you’ve been in a heterosexual marriage for so many years...you don’t typically consider that your sexuality can be any different, so one of the huge gifts of this expansion has been being able to own my sexuality in a whole new way. I have a girlfriend and I have other male partners and I feel more myself than I’ve ever been. Chris and I are also better than we’ve ever been. We’ve had less growing pains than I would’ve expected us to. We’ve met each other’s partners. We support each other in pursuing more love and more happiness and it is such a gift to have the pressure taken off of one person needing to fulfill all of your needs. 

Some questions we’ve gotten since we’ve been slowly coming out to those in our lives... 

What is Polyamory? The practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. A lot of people define “Open” differently. Sometimes it’s “ethical non-monogamy or ENM” - sometimes it’s purely from a sexual place.  For us, it isn’t.  And we didn’t set out necessarily thinking this is where we would end up. But opening ourselves up to other full blown relationships has been so fulfilling. And the right fit for us.

I could never do that! Don’t you get jealous? This is probably one of the most common sentiments that people give me/us when we first tell them. Polyamorous people are not some breed of people that somehow do not feel jealousy or envy. But it’s what we do with that jealousy that makes it easier to work through. Asking if there is a need that feels unmet, or something we need more of from our partner(s) to feel supported during any given circumstance. I’ve found it allows us to feel supported by our partners through our feelings - not abandoned - but look to ourselves to find out where that need isn’t getting met. I have never felt more empowered in my own autonomy while also being supported by the people who love me. I also get people saying that they couldn’t “share” their partner. And I’ll admit to having felt that way at times in my life and even at times during this journey. But when I think about a partner as a possession and/or myself as a possession to other people now, it feels yucky.  We are all our own autonomous people who just happen to share our love and relationships with others. It has been a huge unlearning, and something I will continue to unlearn over time, I am certain. 

How are you and Chris? Better than we’ve ever been. Having other partners to meet our needs has made it so that there is WAY less pressure on our relationship. We aren’t the only ones to be there for each other, to take care of each other or to be there sexually. We have met each other’s partners and communicate with them. We love each other very much and have been able to recognize, accept and celebrate our differences even more so after having opened to this identity / lifestyle. 

Do you know your partner’s partners? Yes. The vast majority of our polycule practices kitchen table poly - meaning we get to know our metamours (Partner’s partners) and it has been beautiful for me - being the intensely passionate people-person that I am - to know these important people in my partners’ lives.

How do you navigate your time? The big joke in a lot of polyamorous circles is that it’s all run on calendars and communication. And that’s the truth. Navigating (physical and emotional) time with multiple partners takes a lot of work, coordination, childcare and communication. And for some people that just doesn’t work. But for me, all of that juggling is SO worth the connection and lack of loneliness I have found here. 

What are you going to tell your kids? We are still navigating that as time goes on. But we recently came out to Clare. I hope that Buggie just grows up knowing no other way.  In a similar way that we preach the inclusivity of other family structures, two moms, two dads, single parents, etc, we have introduced them to the concept that people can love people who they don’t live with or who they aren’t married to. She met my boyfriend and girlfriend and Chris’s girlfriend at Friendsgiving. Afterward, we explained who they are. We told her that my girlfriend also has a kid her age and how my boyfriend is very much like her and I are when it comes to feelings and emotions. And she said “I can’t wait to meet them again!” I also asked if she understood that it means mommy has relationships with boys and girls and she said “That’s great!!” It was so heart filling to know that she hasn’t been indoctrinated into the “heterosexual monogamy is the only way” culture that is all around us. And I only hope that we can continue to steward her open spirit as time goes on. I also know that over time there will be more nuance about how we share - but we really just want them to know that there are so many ways to love and how lucky they are to have parents with this capacity to love both each other and others and that their parents have partners who also care about them very much. 

So why am I sharing this publicly? First - because it’s intrinsically who I am to share my authentic self with others. My biggest goal in most of my interactions both in person and online is for people to not feel alone in their experiences and feelings and to connect or resonate with something I say or share. But also - continuing to come out to people individually is so, so super emotionally draining and exhausting...I know SO many people, and can’t really go anywhere in Sacramento without running into someone I know, have worked with, who’s been in a childbirth class, etc. And I never want to feel like I’m hiding this huge part of myself out in public. So the ability to be “social media public” takes some of that pressure and anxiety off. 

This lifestyle isn't a fit for everyone. But for ME, I feel more like myself than I have ever felt in my life. I have a tremendous amount of love and support and people who care deeply about me - intimate, spiritual, sexual, friendship connections that I never would have thought I could find. I have never shied away from sharing my life, my struggles and myself with not only friends and family, but acquaintances and clients and even strangers on the internet. Because my desire to connect with others and be authentically who I am outweighs the small fears of judgement. And any of you that know me or my mission at the Root know that I strive to make an inclusive space for parents and parents to be. And I want this to include not just all gender and sexualities, but polyamorous parents as well. Family and Love doesn’t come in a one size fits all model. I’m here to say I have found SUCH joy and love and happiness in this alternative model. So if you see me out with one of my partners that is not Chris, please say hi. I’d love to introduce these important people in my life to you. 

Some Reflecting and my 21 for 2021

I wrote this post in the week before the insurrection at the Capitol so I just haven’t posted it for this last week. Now on Innauguration’s eve - it almost feels like a 2nd New Year’s Eve and hopefully the dawning of a new era, as we pick up the pieces of the Trump presidency and examine all that it brought to light. Here’s hoping to brighter days…

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2020 sure was a year, eh? 

I think I - like so many others - will spend many months and years processing what we just all went through.  And are STILL going through.  I wish I thought that we would turn the calendar page and all of a sudden magically things would be back to “normal.”  But of course there is no normal anymore.  2020 shook up the snow globe of our lives and as the snow settles, so many things are left irrevocably changed. We are left standing with some people by our sides forever and ever, and others that have completely obscured from view, living in their own snow globe life on what sometimes feels like another planet.

That fact has been both heartbreaking and liberating. 

If I’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that I have little control over almost anything. So focusing on what I DO have control over is key in my not spiraling. Whenever I would spin out on the goings on in the world, our abominable president, systemic racism, and so many other of the innumerable horrible things that happened this last year, my psychiatrist would remind me that that usually meant I wasn’t taking care of myself enough and that I was also feeling out of control in my immediate sphere.  I can’t control what fresh new hell Trump is/ WAS tweeting about, or how many people chose their own selfishness and arrogance over the health and safety of others, but I CAN control if I go to bed early enough and stop the doom scroll.  

And of course that doesn’t mean I didn’t  take - and continue to take - the work, both on a personal and collective level, very seriously - getting out the vote, incorporating my own reflection on unpacking my own complicity in white supremacy, prioritizing anti-racism work in myself and my community, etc - but it means the Both/And of both taking tangible action (not just screaming into the void) and then remembering to come back to myself. Over and over again.  Being in Tiffany Han’s coaching program throughout all of this has been so important to that reminder of coming back to myself.  

In a lot of ways, having the business to focus on and continue innovating, pivoting and working on has also been a protection from spiraling for me.  Having this community that I love dearly and feel a responsibility to protect and grow has allowed me to keep trying new things to keep it going.  It certainly hasn’t kept the anxiety that we are a few steps away from plummeting off a cliff - away, but having something to work toward and to work for, has kept depression more at bay than I think it would have otherwise.

My word for 2020 was Discernment.

And man if 2020 didn’t force discernment - stripping down to just the essentials, in activity, in work, and in people that I spend my time and energy with.  So much that I can never un-see. I learned to be more clear about what is okay and what isn’t okay, where my boundaries are and how I want to show up. And like all of my past words of the year (2019 was Pause, 2018 was Whole, 2017 was Allow, 2016 was Enough and 2015 was Presence), the energy of Discernment will linger and bleed over.

My word for 2021 is Soften. 

So much of this last year was spent gripping and tightening and grasping and pushing to just figure it out, pivot again, do more, make it work, etc, etc. That the energy that I’m really going to need in 2021 is going to be the opposite. Softening in how I approach work, my body and this Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis and how much I’m capable of doing in any day/week/month. Softening in my ability to respond instead of react. Softening in giving myself grace when I don’t do “everything perfectly” or when I feel physically shitty so the kindest thing I can do for myself is go to bed instead of just answer one more email.

But softening doesn’t mean no goals. It doesn’t mean having no direction for this year. It means being flexible and able to bend and shift and change as things show up over the course of the year. It’s all about the Both/And. Showing up for myself and controlling what I CAN control.

I am again participating in Gretchen Rubin’s yearly project where you pick 21 things you want to do or get done in 2021. Some big, some small.

My 21 for 2021

The Habits:

1. Walk 21 Min Daily - Last year Gretchen Rubin did a walk 20 in 20 challenge, so I am adopting this for 2021. I’m 18 for 18 days so far! I’m SURE there will be days that I miss, but that’s okay, soften. More days than not will be good for me, both physically and mentally.

2. Read 21 Min Daily - This is actually pretty easy for me, since the kids take forever to go to sleep and I am usually reading when I am with them. But often I’ll bounce between social media and my book and I am using the Forest App to make myself concentrate on only the reading for the 21 minutes, minimum. The Kindle Oasis with this case has been a game changer for ergonomically reading with one hand. Anything that helps the RA is crucial.

3. Regular Digital Sabbath - I am not sure what this looks like yet. I know that I need to set better boundaries around social media, but that it is also something I rely on for my business and work with Sutter. So I think part of it is daily boundaries, but a bigger part is taking regular weekly/monthly/quarterly breaks. I just haven’t figured out quite yet what this will look like.

The Tangibles:

4. 21 Live Shows in 2021 - I am believing that this is possible. Currently Marcie and I have 16 rescheduled and already paid for shows from June - Dec 2021…so adding 5 doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility. And if some of those in early summer get rescheduled again…well seeing shows “live” online can count too.

5. Get rid of 2,021 Things - This was one from my coach/mentor Tiffany. It seems like a lot…but I can think of probably 50 things in our bathroom alone that we need to get rid of. These don’t have to be big things. We live in 700 square feet. We can ALWAYS get rid of more.

6. Take a course on the Enneagram - I loved the advanced birth story medicine course I did in 2020 that incorporated enneagram. I would love to dive more into it this year to be able to incorporate into my various modalities.

7. Read 25 Books - I did this in 2020, so I am hoping it’s doable again. Maybe I’ll even surpass it if I cut the social media at bed time. I don’t watch TV. Except Grey’s Anatomy. That’s how I’m capable of this goal on top of running a business and two little kids.

8. Go overnight by myself somewhere...maybe twice? - I need this. I’ve never left Buggie, but she’s 3 in April. I’m ready.

9. Go overnight with Chris somewhere - see above. The last time we went somewhere alone for a night was December 2017 when I was pregnant with Buggie.

10. Get art for above the couch - Been meaning to do this forEVER. But never have found quite the right thing.

11. Make a “Go” Bag - with all of the fires these last years, disasters, covid, all of it - we’ve been needing to have an emergency bag put together. Hopefully this will be the year I make it happen.

12. Try one new recipe each week and actually keep track of the ones we like - I am terrible at the “what was that one recipe we tried a year ago out of that magazine that we liked? Got a few cookbooks for Christmas, and I’m hoping to make this a habit and have 52 recipes I like at the end of the year. So far it’s been a ginger/carrot soup and a new chocolate chip cookie recipe. Ha.

The Un-Tangibles

13. Find my way back to a yoga practice that feels authentic and joyful. I’ve spent the last almost 3 years unraveling the cult-like mentality of the studio where I did my training and where I was so intertwined. It’s been painful and sad and confusing to both recognize all of the good that I gleaned from that place, becoming a teacher, the friendships I gained, the growth, along with all of the really gross bad parts of the cult. In that time since, I’ve not really done much of a yoga practice - just for me - sure I teach, but it’s not the same as having a true practice of my own. I’m hoping to come back to that and find the path that works for ME. As a part of this - reading “Meditations from The Mat” Daily in the Morning - One of my teachers and friends, Jess, has mentioned this book in classes, so it’s something that bought over the summer. Also digging into my A Yogic Path oracle cards and a guided journaling book called “Living the Sutras.”

14. Rewatch some favorite movies - I’ve been wanting to rewatch movies that bring me joy lately and I just haven’t made the time to do it. Partially because some couldn’t be while Clare is awake. But I’d like to take the time to do that. I need more laughter. Also it’s so crazy to think I haven’t been in a movie theater in a year.

15. Get Better at Cooking Fish - I love fish…it helps with inflammation and I also almost never cook it at home.

16. Figure out a simple but effective system for meal planning & grocery shopping - This is SUCH a pain point. Partially because our schedules are so whackadoo but I would like to get better at planning ahead with this….having our prewritten grocery lists that are easy to add to and not feel like we are always forgetting something.

17. Complete photo albums and figure out a monthly system that works to not have them pile up - Once I bought the business my photo album skills went out the window. I am slowly working on a 2020 one on the Project Life App. I need to just set the time aside to work on it, and also start off 2021 making folders of pictures at the end of each month so that it’s easier. And then someday the lost year of 2019 I will work on again. Ha.

18. Create a Kid-Proof Morning Routine - I am a happier person if I can get up before the kids and have some time to myself. I also need sleep to function. Striking this balance has been really challenging this last year. Sometime in 2019 I did the Morning Sidekick Journal and that helped get me into a good rhythm - so I’ve started doing that again with our monthly courage challenge for my coaching program in January. I think part of it will be 1) not getting on email or social media or news before I’ve done it and 2) grace for myself on the days Chris isn’t home and it has to look a bit different with the kids. Which right now is a lot of days. Reading something uplifting, Checking in on my Silk & Sonder planner and priorities for the day, a tarot card - would also like to get in the habit of the lemon water and other Ayurvedic morning rituals.

19. More Nature - There are entire days where I don’t set foot outside. And I always feel better when I do.

20. Take up a new creative hobby - My astrology this year is all about creativity. I’ve dabbled in things here and there over the years, but I really want to make the time for doing creative projects that just feel good and aren’t for some specific goal-oriented / career-oriented reason.

21. Create better structure around the “must do” jobs for the business so that I can spend more time creating new programs and offerings that fuel me and bring me joy - so much of my life and work feels so scattered and I feel constantly behind on the must dos so I rarely have time for the creativity and joy that I get out of the rest of my job, creating new offerings, working with families. More structure will ultimately lead to more freedom, so this may be #21 but it’s definitely high on the list of priorities.

That’s it. Do you make a list like this at the start of the year? Do you pick a word for the year?

Here’s to more flexibility and creativity within structure and boundaries and a whole heaping blanket of softening and grace as we move through this Pandemic Year 2 and whatever is in store for us in 2021.

On grief and Nicole and Covid

Just before the eve of the one year anniversary since your suicide, Nicole, I am struck by so much.  By the fact it’s been a whole year. By the fact that you aren’t here to experience the upsidedown Covid-19 world we are living.  By the grief that surrounds us all in so many different ways. The lack of linear timeline to grief. How we are not actually taught what grieving looks like.  How it isn’t linear, how it can sneak up on you. We’ve talked about so many things in the Birth Story Medicine winter semester that I am a part of right now. Every week, I get on a call with 9 wonderfully wise women from 5 different countries and we discuss deeply how birth story work can be woven into so many facets of our lives, and also how the Covid crisis has affected us on an individual level, too. It is a very special part of each week that I am beyond grateful to be a part of during this time. We talked about grief through author Karla McLaren’s eyes a couple weeks ago and how grief is so different than sadness.  “Sadness arises when you’re holding on to something that isn’t working anyway; sadness arises to help you relax and let go.”  Karla calls grief the “dark river of the soul.” She says “Grief will arise in response to many kinds of loss: to the end of a love relationship, to the irretrievable loss of your health or well-being, to the loss of a cherished goal or possession, to the end of normalcy and stability, or to a stunning betrayal of trust. Grief enables you to survive losses by immersing you in the deep river that flows underneath all life. If you can’t move into your grief, you may only experience destabilization and dissociation in response to the shock of loss, injustice, inequality, and death – instead of being cleansed and renewed in the river of all souls.” 

And we are so quick in this society to scoop people up out of that river. Dust them off. Move on.

Tonight I was struck by the overwhelming anxiety/grief/loss of where we are right now. Was listening to One Bad Mother before my newborn care class tonight and their talking about how this is not normal.  What we are all doing right now is not normal. We joke, we post memes, we try to make sense. And yes, It’s survivable, sure. On some days I feel almost normal and then it’s like this all at once remembering of all that has been lost. I just taught several new parents through a screen how to care for their babies. I can’t give the same assurances I normally do about what is already such an unpredictable and tumultuous time. “Get the wonder weeks app, but I don’t know if you’ll be able to go to an in person support group.” We got some unsettling family member health news that I’m not even really processing yet. Buggie did music class on Zoom today. Clare did dance on zoom and had a zoom meeting with her Teacher. Seeing her light up to see her teacher's face also brought me back to thoughts of Nicole. Who herself was a Montessori kindergarten teacher. I think about her suicide note and the clear anger and pain and grief that was felt in those words. Trying to hold my shit together while I took Clare to fairytale town’s Easter egg hunt. How instead of the egg hunt this year Clare got a letter today from peter rabbit (Sammi at FTT) And how In some ways I respect the family’s decision to scrub her suicide note from the Internet, I also feel sad that those words are no longer there to bear witness to. And how that story deserves witness. 

And then I think of the collective grief we are all experiencing. The collective trauma. The mental health crisis that is sure to rise in relation to covid-19. The stigma that is still enshrouding mental health. Those who feel they have to hide their issues behind perfect houses, surface level “perfect” lives. Flashing to sitting in your “perfect” living room probably a year before things really went bad, Nicole, and you brushing off clear signs of mental health challenges, gently trying to steer you towards more help. As best I could.  Our lives already having taken us on some divergent paths but always feeling kindred spirit in your passion and zest. Flashing forward to the last time I saw you in person, your erratic behavior. How I wish I had done more to help you in that last tumultuous year post divorce. How deep down I know I couldn’t have done more than I did. How I needed to protect my own mental health. How I went into my own new postpartum period with a baby born just a couple months after your divorce. Guilt. 

How I see you in every mom I come across who is struggling with their mental health. How I always wonder if I am doing enough. How you will always cross my mind with every new mom I hug. It will always take me back to our own first time mom days, baby blankets filled with newborns, worries about sleep and whether we were doing “it right” – as if there is a right.  As if you need to have it all figured out with a newborn. As if anyone does. 

I wrote a blog post when Clare turned two about finding balance and equilibrium and coming out of the postpartum fog, finding joy and community and myself in yoga (yes it took two years postpartum to really get there – sorry first time mom friends.)

And now here I am staring down Charlotte’s 2nd Birthday on Sunday in quarantine – Charlotte who shares a birthday with Nicole’s first born. It feels like SO much and heartbreakingly beautiful and synergestic and brutiful (as Glennon Doyle says) And there isn’t balance. There’s blend and juggling too many balls and still finding my own new normal after 2nd baby followed by appendectomy 4 months after that, followed by buying a business 2 months after that. And 18 months after buying that business, here I am still catching my breath, furiously typing this on my phone with a toddler attached to my breast, in the middle of this “dark river of the soul.”  It isn’t neat. It isn’t tidy. It isn’t wrapped up in a bow. It may not be completely coherent or polished but it feels good to write. Life isn’t that way. It’s brutiful. And tomorrow I will light a candle for you, Nicole. And for us all.

Charlotte Joy's Birth Story

Well it only took me SIX months to complete writing out Charlie Bugs Birth Story. I can’t believe I also haven’t written a blog post in 2 ½ years. Really hoping to get back to this space in 2019 more regularly.  So here we go.

In the days leading up to Charlotte's birth, I found myself growing more and more uncomfortable. Yes, physically, but emotionally and spiritually too. A good friend sent me this post about those last days of pregnancy and I loved it so much that I want to share it with all my classes. (Love you, Brooke.) It so perfectly captures that feeling of being “in between.” Of living in the waiting. On top of just normal end of pregnancy stuff, we had the worry of Chris missing the birth and being out of town for work. After my third night in a row of having a legit emotional meltdown right before bed and going to acupuncture multiple times that week, I felt what could be the start of ACTUAL contractions and not just the warm-up Braxton Hicks.

The weeks leading up to that night every evening felt like one giant Braxton Hick.  But the night of the 17th, I was able to go to sleep and they were gone for the first part of the next morning. 

As the morning wore on, I started having what seemed like they could be contractions, but I hesitated to get my hopes up. My labor with Clare was 30 hours, and I knew while it could be shorter, I was likely still in for a long ride. We had an appointment with one of our midwives, Lesley, that morning. We all agreed it could be labor…But it also might not. My friends encouraged me to be checked if I thought it would help but I knew if I was relatively dilated I might get my hopes up, and if I wasn’t dilated I would be disappointed. Even though I knew that the vaginal checks don’t actually mean as far as predicting labor’s trajectory. So I decided against it. Lesley left, and we made my next appointment saying “well maybe this will be a postpartum appointment.” Spoiler alert, it was. 

The contractions were really starting to feel painful – no longer just pressure - though they were mild. We decided to go run some errands, including Costco, Whole Foods and a quick swing by Ginger Elizabeth. (Thanks for the gift certificate, Leah!) The contractions remained consistent, but I wasn’t timing them yet, and I was able to go about what I was doing still without needing to stop mid contraction. I guess maybe uncomfortable describes it more than painful?  A clerk at Whole Foods randomly asked me if I was dilated….I could’ve gone on a rant about why cervical checks in pregnancy are unnecessary but I didn’t. She caught me so off guard that I just said I didn’t know and off we went. Why do people think these things are okay to ask pregnant women?? 

Once we got home, Chris and Clare went outside to play and water the plants, and I laid down to read and rest a bit, speculating with my best friends via text if this was actually real. I have no idea what we had for dinner that night, but eventually it was time to put Clare to bed. Meanwhile, Chris was giving our midwives a heads up that my contractions had continued from earlier in the day and seemed to be getting stronger. Once I finished nursing Clare, the last contraction I had in the bedroom I had to grab onto the changing table and it was like oh shit this is getting real now. I’m sure the nursing helped trigger the contractions to be stronger. I gave her a quick kiss, whispering to her that I loved her so much, checked that the sound machine was on loud enough and snuck out of the room.

I was afraid that we were going to call the midwives and our friends too early. I jumped in the shower to see if that would be helpful for contractions. I remember loving that we have a step to sit down on in there, but that whenever I had a contraction I had to stand up and lean against the wall.  While I was in the shower Chris transformed the house to get ready for a baby. He had a whole list of things to do and get ready when the midwives were on their way. Boiling scissors, getting out supplies, putting pads under the sheets. He had text Nataly that things were getting serious, and she responded with “should I come?” Then like two seconds later, “What am I saying, I’m coming.” (I love you, Nat) She was here before I got out of the shower. It was around 8:30pm by now.

At this point, I was laughing in between contractions and in good spirits, so I was still concerned we were calling people too early, but it was definitely getting harder to manage during the contractions. And the dreaded “thigh contractions” were coming back that I experienced during my first labor.  Contractions were not just in my uterus, but radiated down through my legs.

Not long after Nataly arrived, Rachel and Lesley, our midwives, got there. Rachel listened to the baby to make sure all was sounding good

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

Lesley asked if I wanted to fill up the tub. It takes 20-30 minutes to fill, so I said sure. I didn’t want to get in too early, but I also knew I could get out and then get back in later. Chris and Rachel went to go get the hose hooked to our faucet in the kitchen. Part of the instructions were to turn up our hot water heater so that the tub would be able to fill faster. But the hose was kinked and somehow when Chris undid it to take it into the living room, he ended up spraying Rachel in the face with the scalding hot water. We all laughed but he felt SO bad! That situation still make me chuckle to think about. Poor Rachel!

Once the tub was filled there was a little bit of it leaking and we had to dam it up with towels. It was proving to be an interesting birth when it came to water.  As the tub was filling up Anne Marie arrived and at that point our whole team was assembled. This was at 9:15 that evening.

I tried several different positions out of the tub, leaning on a ball on the couch, sitting on the rocking chair, leaning on Chris.

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

I was already needing the extra help of a second person for my legs and thighs. Eventually I got in the tub. Again, I had a hard time finding a position that was comfortable...Lesley brought me in some knee pads that I could put in the tub that made doing hands and knees a little bit better.  But then I wanted to sit back in between contractions and the knee pads would fly up out of the water. I think I splashed at least Chris, maybe others, in the process of that. There’s something to water and this baby!

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

I was only in the tub about 30 minutes and then decided to go try the shower again. Chris went in there with me and Lesley brought me coconut water to drink since I was getting so warmed up. I had the same rhythm of sitting on the bench in between contractions and then standing up and leaning forward with the water hitting my back and thighs during them.  I remember the hot water helping the thigh contractions, but it wasn’t long before I felt too overheated to stay in there, about 30 more minutes. Once Chris helped me out of the shower, Rachel suggested we try and go lay down in the small bedroom for a while. I think she knew I needed to be like a cat and go in a dark quiet place for my labor to progress. I remember Bert jumping up on the bed with us at one point and Rachel petting him and saying “Yeah, this is how you guys do birth.”

Chris and I were alone in the small bedroom for a while, but I was having a hard time finding a resting position in between contractions and being on my back was feeling excruciating. Being on my side seemed to work for a little while, but during a contraction it would feel terrible on whatever thigh was touching the bed.  I could feel the contractions getting strong enough that I had to nearly growl at the peak to get through them. I knew this meant I was definitely further along than earlier. But I still kept telling Chris in between contractions that I felt like I was “taking too long” and that we had called people too early.  Which is funny looking back and realizing it actually was all going quite quickly. I was in the back room only about 2 hours (Another reason why home birth is amazing, Birthstream just recently sent me my chart back so I can actually see how long each comfort measure was used!) Especially compared to Clare’s labor. But I was worried about Lesley, Nataly and Anne Marie just hanging out in the living room. Even in labor I was worrying about other people and stressing out that I couldn’t “relax enough” in between contractions. How you do anything is how you do everything, huh? Rachel had been rubbing my thighs during contractions while I was leaning into Chris. Around the time I started making the growling sounds, I think everyone realized that it was getting more intense and the others came in to check on us. Then Anne Marie was massaging my thighs and reminding me to use my yoga. That I’d been training for this. Reminding me of my breath and helping me stay in control as they got worse. This helped my anxiety not spill over in those more intense moments.

Earlier in the evening, I’d been super worried about throwing up. I hate feeling nauseous and I had thrown up with Clare.  At this point in labor, I didn’t even feel nausea, I just all of a sudden knew I needed to throw up. Someone grabbed the bag, I think Anne Marie got my hair and Chris was holding me from the other side. Just after 1:30am as I was throwing up, my water broke. Fully broke. What’s amazing is these pads that the midwives use. I had one under me (thanks Rachel!) and all of that water breaking and not a drop got on the bed. After that I had this moment of calm. They had been telling me earlier that I’d feel better if I threw up and miraculously I did. It was like this few minute eye of the hurricane where I didn’t even feel like I was in labor. Then as the next contraction came, I remember thinking, whoa, this definitely isn’t over yet.

At that point the midwives asked if I wanted to try to get back in the tub because I was having a hard time finding a position in the bedroom. I said “I don’t know if that’s going to be more comfortable right now.” Anne Marie said “Nothing’s going to be comfortable right now.” I laughed and another contraction hit. Lesley worked on bailing out some of the tub and refilling it with hotter water. I am so grateful to her for that! Slowly over a few contractions we moved into the kitchen. Birth ball on Clare’s little table. Nataly said this was when she thought I was gonna have another rocket baby and deliver standing up. (Luckily that was not the case!) We moved into the living room and I had a couple quick contractions in a row and made myself say “I can do it, I’m doing it, It’s not going to last forever.” (This was after a whole bunch of times of me saying I don’t think I can do it, and that I was scared to push while we were in the bedroom) So everyone kept telling me yes, you can. At this point I remember Rachel saying so calmly, “you are the perfect person to have this baby, your body knows what it’s doing” I had a standing contraction leaning on Chris and I half-yelled “I just need a fucking break!” And stomping my foot awkwardly. From throwing up to getting in the tub it was about 20 more minutes.

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

They helped me into the tub and I had again another moment of calm. The warm water gave me a second to breathe and reset just a tiny bit.  I realize now that was probably my ‘rest and be thankful’ phase between transition and pushing.

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

During the next contraction, I knew I was going to have to push and I told them I was scared, I can’t do it several times.

They all loudly told me “yes you can!” I was panicking and I had to bring myself back down. I said something along the lines of “Okay okay okay, let me try.” The next contraction I got a Charlie horse in my leg and had to jump into a sort of half lunge. I felt my tissue stretch on that contraction and the midwives reminded me I needed to keep my bottom in the water. As the next contraction was starting Anne Marie said “Okay Kellie, this is the edge, this is when you step up to and push past your edge” and that teacher training yoga magic is what I needed to push past my fear of pushing and finally just PUSH. In that first push, her head was out. I said “Was that her head, I think that was her head.” Chris said it looked like Lesley didn’t believe me that it was that fast and then she checked and was like “Oh wow, it is!” At that point Anne Marie started screaming, “The head’s out, the head’s out, you’re so close!” I asked if it was okay that her head was just out and her body wasn’t yet.  Which I know was a silly question, most people actually crown and the baby comes out slowly, but because I had delivered Clare standing up, she came out all in one push after many hours of pushing, so this was new territory for me. Lesley asked Chris if he wanted to come to the other side and catch the baby, and he said “No, I’m staying right here with her.” Which I was grateful for because I was holding on to him. The next contraction came and she was out! 2 pushes and less than 3 minutes.

I don’t even know how I got from hands and knees to sitting up with her on me, it was all such a blur.

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

But she was wide-eyed and alert right away. I checked to make sure she was in fact a girl and we all celebrated.

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

Chris tried to go wake up Clare at this point but she was not having it. She slept through the whole thing! (And we live in a 700 square foot house!) And from when labor started ramping up to a baby in my arms it was only 6 hours!

The midwives helped me out of the tub, slowly, with Chris holding Charlotte since she was still attached to me and we moved back into the small bedroom to deliver the placenta. It took probably 15-20 minutes for the placenta to be ready to come out and it was placed near me while they worked on the fundal massage to make sure my uterus clamped down. I guess there was a big gush of blood at this point. I didn’t see it, and I also am not freaked out by blood at birth, but it definitely freaked Chris out a bit. Lesley or Rachel said with all the calm of perfectly trained professionals, yep, that’s too much blood. And they quickly decided Pitocin would be needed. A quick shot in my thigh – my ‘favorite body part’ – we joked because of the thigh contractions. The bleeding was soon under control. (As a doula, I’ve seen similar postpartum hemorrhages treated in such a different manner in the hospital. With more panic, fear and not respecting the woman’s experience. I am so grateful for such caring and professional midwives who I had so much trust in that I never felt fear about such a complication, just trust in their care) After we got the traditional baby attached to her placenta picture, Chris cut the cord, and Lesley showed us all the parts of her placenta. It’s so freaking amazing that our bodies grow a WHOLE organ that sustains our babies throughout pregnancy.

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

I had the traditional Birthstream Midwives Birthday Cake.

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

Charlotte nursed.

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

 Lesley and Rachel seamlessly cleaned up our house. Later that day it would hardly look like a birth took place there which was just so cool.  So magical for me to have a birth space appear for the time it was needed and then just quietly disappear. Which is just another testament to how lovely home birth care is.

Nataly had to run home to be with her kids when her husband had to leave for work. I’m so grateful Charlie Bug came before she had to go. Chris and I both agreed how wonderful it was to have her as the continuity from both Clare’s birth to Charlotte’s. I could write a whole post about how grateful I am for her in general, but I am so lucky to have had her at both of my births and to consider her one of my best friends.

Charlotte was weighed and measured. 7 lbs, 10 oz, 20 1/2 inches long. A pound and a half bigger than Clare was! Lesley helped me to the bathroom and showed me the homemade periwash they had made and gave me more postpartum instructions. Around 5am Clare woke up and got to see her sister for the first time. She went to bed without a sister and woke up with one. So magical.

Nataly Bates Birth Photography

Chris likes to tell the story how we were eating fresh poke in our bed from Fish Face 8 hours after birth instead of an old cheese sandwich in the hospital.

I love that I knew that I had the ability to call the midwives ANY time I needed them. Rachel came back the very next day and we saw them at day 3, 5, and weeks 2, 4 and 6.  These appointments were always over an hour and I always felt so cared for and heard.

As a birth professional, I am fully aware that home birth may not be the choice for everyone. Certain risk factors can risk you out. (It may not be the ones you think though, friends!) Some women desire medication for birth. But as far as an unmediated birth goes, the care that you get with home birth midwives both prenatally AND postpartum absolutely cannot be replicated. I am beyond grateful for this experience. The postpartum period with Clare left something to be desired…especially in those first few days…even at a “good” hospital. This experience was so healing in that aspect. I felt so supported.

Oh, and PS – our insurance reimbursed our home birth entirely! Hallelujah. I could not imagine giving birth any other way.

And this not-so-little 21 lb, 6 month old chunk will have these photos to treasure and look back on how she came into this world, thanks to the ever talented Nataly.

Happy 6 month birthday, little Buggie. You were the missing piece in our family. We love you.

On Balance and Clare turning Two

On Clare’s 2nd birthday, I find myself reflecting on what a different place I am than I was a year ago. Yesterday I became officially certified as a Childbirth Educator. Last year I was wondering how I was ever going to finish the daunting task of all that coursework.  Perhaps this is also because I am reflecting as I read through submissions for my anthology, The Postpartum Year, and I am remembering how hard those early days were. The uncertainty, the strain.  These stories are transporting me back to that time, and also making me entirely grateful for what a better place I am in, mentally and physically. 

            Her birthday falls in the space between two weekends that I am going through the Yoga Assistant program at the yoga studio that has quickly become such a big space in my life over the last several months. On the 2nd day of the program, our teachers asked us to raise our hands if we felt like we were good at self care and good at balance, and I didn’t raise mine.  I’m not really sure why. I feel like I still question whether I am good at those things, or that I feel like somehow I am not a good enough mother if I AM good at those things.  (Which is ludicrous, I know.) But in a culture that values busy, bottom lines, overworking, super moms and perfection, it’s really hard to put your hand up and say “YES! I’m good at self care,” without feeling weirdly guilty.

            But when I really take a good look at what my life looks like right now, I would say I AM pretty good at those things.  And part of that is because in these first two years of parenthood, I’ve learned that I HAVE to be for the sake of my mental health. If you've been reading for a while or you know me, you’ve heard me talk so many times on this blog about how a mental breakdown following the cessation of birth control caused me to turn my life upside down and rebuild with a better foundation in place.  And because of that, I’ve learned to prioritize self-care, to sleep, to meditate, to do yoga as much as possible, to not neglect exercise, to get regular massages, to read, write and pursue passions that make me happy.  To get up earlier than my family to journal, or just drink my coffee and read The Skimm in peace.   I don’t do these things out of selfishness. I do these things because I am a better mother, wife, friend and person if I’m doing them.  I do them because I know – unfortunately from much experience – that if I’m NOT doing them – I’m at a huge risk for mental health spiral. 

            Am I perfect with them? Of course not. There are weeks that I get too many nights in a row of less than 6 hours of sleep or I don’t get to yoga enough.  And I FEEL it.  I get anxious. I snap at Chris and at Clare.  It’s all bad.

            But while her birthday comes in the midst of a very busy season for me, wrapping up birth and lactation certifications plus this yoga program, looking at her 2nd birthday compared to her 1st, it no longer looks like “Holy crap we survived that year” – it looks like “Wow, we are managing and sometimes even thriving with where everything is at right now.”  Of course a big portion of that is owed to the childcare help of my parents - couldn’t do it without you mom & dad - and a bit of relaxation and confidence on our part as parents, and a whole lot of self-awareness on my part. Not to mention Chris currently having a set schedule (which likely won’t last after the next few months, sadly)

            Clare is a big, brilliant, bright, ball of energy and personality these days.  She is exploding with language and understanding, which is both magical and utterly exhausting. They say a huge part of parenting is that the second you get comfortable, everything changes.  And I’d say that’s pretty much been our experience so far.  But it’s nice, at least in this snapshot moment of time, to feel like we are in a sweet place of comfort and relative balance. 

            Happy birthday my sweet girl, mama & dada love you so much.

My First Tattoo

When I was 18 and a freshmen in college, flaunting our newfound independence some of my best high school girlfriends and I went out to a tattoo/piercing place. Two of them decided to get their first tattoos, the rest of us got random piercings, mine of course being the “tame” second earring hole. (Which now of course are probably completely closed up because I never wear anything in them. Heck, I hardly ever wear earrings in my primary holes!)

I was in awe of my friends’ ability to throw caution to the wind and put something permanently on their bodies. (which they loved and totally didn't regret) But I really didn’t know who I was back then, and there was nothing that felt like it was something that I’d be okay with being indelibly inked on my body.

Fast forward to now, 10 years later, on my 28th birthday, today I got my first tattoo.

As I’ve written about before on this blog, I had a complete mental breakdown when I went off of birth control.  I was anxious all the time, could barely leave the house and was having panic attacks that literally led me to stop functioning and quit my job.  It was scary.  At times, literally all I could do to get through the day was remind myself to breathe. My psychiatrist suggested I try the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program.  Shortly after quitting my job and getting pregnant with Clare, I took the program.  It was a huge game changer for me.  It was uncomfortable and scary and trying to learn meditation in a group of strangers (while suffering morning sickness, mind you) seemed nearly impossible. I was terrified driving there the first day. But I did it, and it made a huge difference for me. After each session I was markedly calmer. I think that the breathing practices I learned in that program not only helped my anxiety, but helped allow me to have a natural birth with Clare and continue to allow me to manage whatever life hands me. (including the many trials of being a mother) I remind myself that I can always come back to concentrating on my breath.  The symbol is the “OM” symbol which is a  commonly used mantra in meditation and yoga chanting. Soon, on the opposite forearm I am going to get: be here now. because it didn't quite fit on this arm and we decided it looked cleaner with just breathe and the om symbol.

I can quite literally say that meditation and yoga and learning to just breathe have thoroughly changed my life over the past several years, and I wanted this to be a permanent reminder that I see daily on my arm, always reminding me to come back to now, and come back to the breath. 

It hurt like hell, but I would definitely do it again. I see why people say the first tattoo is a gateway drug. :) 

2016 Goals and One Little Word: Enough

I’ve been thinking over a couple words for my ‘One Little Word’ for 2016 and finally settled on ‘Enough.’  The more I've rolled it around in my head, the more I've really felt it was the right word.  I particularly like it because it can cover so many different facets of life. Constantly reminding myself that I am doing enough, being enough, good enough.  Also that we have enough and the season of life that we are in is enough.  And I can also flip it on its head and remember to say Enough and let it go when something in my life is not serving me well. I like the idea of using our "one little word" as a lens for how we see the year.

And along with focusing my 2016 year on ‘Enough’ here are my other 2016 goals!

·      Complete my Gadanke “Home” Journal – Over the summer, I wrote this post about how special this little rental house is to me, and I really want to capture similar sentiments in my Gadanke Home Journal.  Check out Katie’s journals, they are amazing!

·      Organize our most used recipes in ONE place and come up with a system for them.  – Right now they are SO scattered. Some printed, some on Pinterest, some memorized.  Really planning to come up with a system and keep better track of stuff we try and like. I'd really like this to go along with better meal planning, grocery shopping and just simplifying food in general.

·      Read 30 Books – Considering I read 35 in 2015, 30 seems like a good goal for 2016! So many are already on my list!  Follow me on Goodreads for more book stuff.

·      Be more intentional about monthly date nights with Chris – As I mentioned yesterday, this year I’d really like to actually plan our dates better and maybe do some things we haven’t done before.  Not just the same old.

·      Learn to Knit – This is also on my 30 before 30 list.  I can do really basic crochet, but I really want to try out knitting since I tend to like finished knit projects better.

·      Finish Lactation Counselor and Childbirth Educator Certifications – On track for both of these by the end of the spring!

·      Publish Postpartum Year Anthology Book - (or at least have it on its way!) I am going to be looking into traditional publishing and hybrid publishing before going the self publishing route, so depending which direction it ends up going, I’m not sure how long this project will take to complete, but it’s one I’m very passionate about, so I am excited to work on it!

·      Continue Mom’s One Line a Day Journal and 5-Minute Journal, but also do the 52 List Journal – I got this journal a few months ago and decided to start it in January, I like the idea of spending a little bit of time every Sunday writing out a different creative list. And still love my One Line and 5-Minute journals.

·      Go to a Yoga Class at LEAST twice every week, preferably 3 times, or even more. – When I don’t have Zumba and the Lactation counselor classes at ARC going on 3 times is TOTALLY doable…but with the above in Feb-May, I'm going to tell myself that two is... enough. 

·      Complete the Zuda Yoga Assistant Program – Registered for this in February!

·      Meditate everyday, but shoot for 5+ minutes – Continuing the habit from 2015, but trying to up the length.

·      Publish a blog post once per month – a lot less from 2015, but with everything else going on, I think this is a reasonable goal!

·      Podcast – 3 Full Episodes per month (36 for the year - up from 2 per week and 25 for the year in 2015)

·      Eat Less Sugar – I’m not sure how I’ll quantify this one…but I know that I get into ruts of eating WAY too much sugar and it makes me feel like crap.  Everything in moderation and all that jazz, but I need the even the moderate amount to be lots smaller. And of course this also can be filed under the header of 'enough.' 

2015 brought a lot of growth, and finding a good groove. 2016 is sure to bring even more and I'm excited to see where it takes us. 

Happy New Year to all!

2015 Was A Very Good Year

2015 was a very good year. This time last year I was just starting to come out of the crazy baby fog. I had a 10 month old and I was finally starting to feel like myself again…do the things that made me feel like me.  So I set out with a list of goals for 2015, because honestly, goal-setting makes me feel like me.  It helps my frame of mind to always know I’m working towards something.  That’s also why I just posted a 30 before 30 list as well. 

So now that the christmas decorations have made their way back to the garage and as we get ready to sip the champagne and ring in 2016, here are some reflections on my 2015 goals and how they panned out:

Meditate Everyday – This has been really good.  I think for multiple reasons – One, I said any amount of time counted even if it was only 2 min. (Hoping to up that next year) and two, I promised myself I would never miss more than one day in a row.  Also using Coach.Me and Elise’s Goal Tracker helped too! Visual reminders are the best. I have meditated 319 out of 365 days this year.  Pretty darn good!

Read 25 Books – Completely surpassed this goal and read 36!  Two of these were very short, and 8 were audiobooks. But still. Super proud! For sure planning to up my reading goal in 2016.  Especially now that the husband has decided he wants to battle it out for who can read the most... 

Learn to Sew a Quilt  - Yeah. Didn’t happen.  I started to take a class locally and the teacher was terrible so I quit going.  I have a bunch of squares cut out and sitting in the closet but that’s as far as I’ve gotten.  Eventually…

Blog once per week – With the exception of a few weeks here and there, this mostly did happen.  It helped me be consistent with writing but it also made me try to find filler posts to meet that quota.  I’m backing off this goal quite a bit for next year since I’m going to have my hands very full with some other projects and certifications.

Date nights with Chris each month – So I’m pretty sure you could say we did go on 12 dates over the course of the year, but they weren’t planned out, intentional and much more than dinner or a movie.  (Which is still something of course) But I am hoping in 2016 we can be more intentional about planning 12 dates that are maybe a little bit different from our norm.

Do the 5-minute Journal Daily – So according to Coach.Me, I think I did this about 220 times? Certainly not everyday, but a lot.  I really like this exercise, and plan to keep it up in 2016.

Try 2 new recipes per month – Again, we probably did this…but not with much intention behind it.  Hoping to get better organized with our recipes and meal plans in 2016.

Produce 25 Podcast Episodes – Success, my last episode of 2015 was #25 where Kelsey interviewed ME. :)

ICEA Childbirth Teaching Series & Prep for early 2016 test – I passed my evaluated teaching series just a few weeks ago and am submitting the paperwork to schedule my test for February 5th! Ahh! 

Do the Couch-to-5K – I did this last March.  And I’m glad I did it, but it also reminded me that I am not a ‘runner’ – that is to say, I don’t enjoy running like I enjoy Zumba and Yoga.  Zumba and Yoga make my soul happy.  Running is just a means to an end for me. 

My “One Little Word” for 2015 was Presence. I think because meditation and yoga were such big aspects of 2015, and reading  several mindful/Buddhist parenting books…my view of the year was definitely zeroed in on Presence.  But I like what another blogger had said about the one little word, it’s not that picking a new word for 2016 makes Presence null en void, it means that I take that word with me and also have a new one to focus on.  More on that and 2016 goals tomorrow. 

30 before 30: A List of Goals

Well I’ve been remiss on the blog front lately.  As usual, the holidays have taken over this time of year, and on top of that, I’ve been finishing up my childbirth class series for evaluation for my certification (which I passed last week! Woo!) and something just had to give.  Looking into 2016, I likely will be blogging less just because other things are going to take priority.

But before we get into 2016 I do have some ‘end of the year’ posts planned, starting today with my ’30 Before 30’ list!

I’ve seen so many of these lists floating around the Internet. My friend Katie recently completed hers, so it got me to thinking, what would I like to accomplish in the next 2 years and some change? (I turn 28 in January) Here’s what I came up with. I think it is a pretty balanced list, though the education piece is probably a little bit ambitious.  But do remember, I’m nearly done with both the childbirth educator certification and the lactation educator certification.

Creative:

1.     Learn to Sew more proficiently (I only know basics)

2.     Learn to Knit (I kind of can crochet…)

3.     Take a Pottery Class (Like the kind with an actual wheel)

4.     Learn to take better photos (I think I may be relying on my friend Elizabeth with this one!)

5.     Learn a new song on the piano just for fun (For as many years as I’ve taught piano, I very, very rarely sit down and just play for myself)

6.     Learn to play some on the guitar (Chris wants to do this too, so maybe we’ll do this together?)

7.     Keep up a project life album of photos each year (I’ve been pretty good about this over the last year, though the last few months have been a little crazy and I need to catch up.  I like her “mini” albums for a more simplistic layout.)

8.     Learn to garden (Chris and I ALWAYS say we are gonna do this every spring…it’s time to actually make it happen)

Trips:

1.     Visit Las Vegas (April 2016!)

2.     Visit the Pacific Northwest (Oregon/Seattle) Probably a 2017 trip…

3.     Go to a MLB game – Seriously, I’ve never been. Even though one of my best friends from high school used to work for the Giants!

4.     Go to a NFL game – Especially now that the 49er stadium is on the Amtrak line!

5.     Take a trip to see Christmas lights in a limo (Marcie, I’m looking at you with this one – we’ve been talking about this forever)

Certifications/Education:

1.     Complete Childbirth Educator Certification (Early 2016)

2.     Complete Lactation Educator Certification (Early 2016)

3.     Complete Doula Certification (2017?)

4.     Complete Yoga Teacher Training….This is a big one…so I’m not sure when… but doing the Zuda assistant program in 2016 for sure!

5.    Take certification for another Zumba Specialty

The Practical:

1.     Learn to drive stick shift – My friend Curt said he’d teach me. 

2.     Make out a Will with Chris – Cause, you know, adulting.

3.     Pay off all of our credit card debt – More adulting!

4.     Learn to cook several meals well – Cause I can’t keep doing mac and cheese when Chris is out of town.

5.     Do consistent volunteering – Sutter Davis! Yoga Assisting! Yay!

6.     Minimize our stuff (ala Marie Kondo) – Read the book if you haven’t yet!

Other:

1.     Publish a Book – (Working on going through submissions for The Postpartum Year!)

2.     Get a Tattoo – Planning this for my 28th birthday next month

3.    Keep up my Podcast.

4.    Keep up my Meditation Practice.

5.     Regularly Journal (besides my One Line a Day and 5-minute Journal everyday ones)

6.    Write a letter to myself to open in 5 years

Do you have any big birthdays coming up with goals you’d like to complete? :)

Look for a Book Recap, 2015 recap and 2016 goals coming in the next week or so!

Happy Holidays to All!

Rebuilding The Way I Live & Staying With The Present

A few days ago I serendipitously ran into an old friend at a coffee shop.  I had just come from my monthly check-in appointment with my psychiatrist, and headed to the coffee shop to do my usual 2-hour burst of work while Chris was at home putting Clare down for a nap. 

We of course exchanged the usual “How are yous” – and because my friend has such an open demeanor I felt like I could say “I’m doing really well…but I just came from my psychiatrist and I always worry when I’m doing well that I’m one misstep away from a crash.” Rather than just the typical “good” or “fine.”

Which is a hard thing to explain to anyone who doesn’t struggle with mental ups and downs.  Luckily Kathryn is just the person to not only understand that feeling but also give me some sound advice/thoughts about being in that state. 

You see, much of my adult life has been characterized by bursts of busy-ness filled with lots of “get it done” attitude followed by a spiraling crash, breakdown, illness, etc.  In college it usually manifested itself as sickness…and in my jobs out of college, I think it a lot of it was emotional turbulence and anger. (I know I’ve mentioned it a zillion times in these posts, but I really hated the corporate-like-looks-like-societal-success jobs I held just out of school.) They literally felt like they were sucking my soul.  At one point I added a master’s program that I felt like I “should” be doing to an already stressful and frustrating job…and on top of that, tried to compensate for my sheer unhappiness by over-exercising and trying to fill the fulfillment void with too many outside activities that left me over-extended and of course led to more crashes.

Then the icing on the cake of it all was when starting a new job in February 2013, just figuring anything different would be better than where I was…and then pulling the hormonal rug out from under me by stopping the birth control pill. This one sent me completely over the edge and as my psychiatrist described it the other day “forced me to rebuild my life and the way I lived it from the ground up.”  And that's really been the work for me over the last three years. 

(This is not to say that those otherwise shitty experiences didn’t give me much-needed people in my life. Looking at you Lori & Curt)

But now.  Now, my life is so full.  In a good way – full.  I’m busy, but not in an overextended way. I have found a career that allows me to be creative with my time, balance being with Clare and doing something that I truly love. I have been SO much better at making time and space for myself, creating a solid morning routine, starting to pick up a yoga practice, consistently meditating this year, making exercise / zumba and reading a priority. Working on a book, and creating and sharing a podcast that I really believe in. I just got into the amazing Sutter Davis volunteer doula program. I have built a wonderful tribe of moms who all support one another as we go through the ups and downs of motherhood.  Chris and I did almost a year of couples counseling and are SO much better at communicating with one another.  My parents now live close by and can lend a much-needed hand with Clare.  This isn’t to say I don’t go through struggles with balancing it all, feeling burnt out, etc. Believe me, I definitely still do.

But overall, right now,  I’m good. I’m feeling well, happy and strong.  And yet with that wellness comes this nagging, niggling feeling that if things are going well, then something bad must be coming. It feels as if I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  For my hormones to betray me and cause me panic attacks again. For my schedule to reach a tipping point where I can’t "handle it all.” Wanna know a weird childhood quirk? When my parents would travel, I was always terrified that they would die in a plane crash, and I somehow felt if I worried, they would be okay, but if I didn’t worry, they wouldn’t.  Nuts? Maybe. The anxiety struggle is real, people.

But I’m a different person now.  I’m in a different place, and I’ve got better support, boundaries and protocols in place.  And as my psychiatrist also pointed out – I LOVE what I’m doing now. Although she put it more softly "I get the indication that you didn't like the work you were doing before." Duh! I hated it. But now, my work and side projects are born out of passion and love, not out of obligation, money or fulfilling someone else’s bottom line. And that’s a key difference. Even with as busy as I am, it’s all positive stuff.  It’s all good. I often get people saying “I don’t know how you do everything you do.” And I think sometimes even that comment alone can shake my confidence.  My monkey mind starts going Should I not be doing everything I do? Is there something wrong with it? Wrong with me? Spiral, Spiral. Anxiety. Etc. 

Kathryn’s words really struck me too.  She said “I hear you. I hear the story you’re telling. I hear you taking past experiences and bringing them into the present. Expecting things to follow the same old patterns. But you don’t have to do that.  You don’t have to bring the past into it.  You just have to stay with where you’re at in the present.”

Wow. I needed to hear that.  All of that.  PS People – when someone tells you something – tell them you hear them.  Because isn’t that what we all want? Just to be heard.  It also struck me – wait a minute, my word for the year was/is Presence, I’ve read probably six books on meditation, mindfulness, Buddhism and presence this year.  But I haven’t really been living it as much as I could.  Kathryn is right, my psychiatrist is right. Right NOW, I’m doing really well.  And that’s all I should be focused on.  Not what’s going to happen with my mental health tomorrow, next month, next year.  Because I can’t predict it.  And I can’t dwell on previous patterns either.  Because just because they were a pattern before doesn’t mean they are going to repeat. 

And not to mention, that the whole premise of my blog is that we have a choice everyday in how we act, react and see the world.  So I’m choosing to be grateful for and celebrate the fact that, right now, I’m well.  And I’m happy.  And man, has that been a long time coming. 

2015 Fall Capsule Wardrobe

Well this is a little later than I would normally be posting my fall capsule wardrobe, but that’s because it took until November for Sacramento to even come close to cooling down enough to actually consider it Fall.  Sheesh.  Hallelujah for cool weather!

Normally this would be Oct-Dec’s capsule, but I was literally still wearing sun dresses and flip flops in October, so this will likely be Nov into January’s capsule.

This capsule is a tad larger than some of my other ones – 52 items, NOT including boots and scarves or heavier outerwear.

Here’s the breakdown of items:

10 Shirts

6 Skirts

5 Pair Leggings

1 Pair Jeans

14 Dresses

16 Jackets/Sweaters

And here are the pictures of the items along with where they came from. An * indicates this item is new for this season. The rest are rolled over from previous seasons.

Clothing Swap* | Target* | TJ Maxx | Clothing Swap | Thred Up | Thred Up | Ross | Ross | Clothing Swap | Target*

TJ Maxx | H&M | Clothing Swap | Stitch Fix* | Clothing Swap* | Ross* 

Motherhood Maternity (Yes I still wear maternity leggings sometimes because they are sooo comfy. | Target* | JCP/Ross/Ross

Clothing Swap* | Stitch Fix | Thred Up* | Clothing Swap | Ross | Clothing Swap | Thred Up *| Thred Up | Thred Up * | Thred Up* | Clothing Swap | Target | Ross | Clothing Swap

Ross | Clothing Swap | Target | Clothing Swap | Clothing Swap* | Target* | Thred Up | Boutique in Truckee* | Ross* | Clothing Swap | Clothing Swap | Clothing Swap | Clothing Swap | Clothing Swap | Clothing Swap | Ross

As always a whole lot of Clothing Swap, Target, & Thred Up.  If you use my Thred Up or Stitch Fix links you get a discount and I get a credit.  Win-win. :)

October Fav Bits from Around the Web

Here's your monthly dose of links from around the web.  Some great stuff in October!

Lesley often feels like my faraway mama twin. As someone who is often straddling the working/mama fence, this post really resonated! 

As a mom of a high needs child, this made me cry. "Your baby is not “good” but your baby is essentially himself/herself. Babies like him/her become the people the world needs: people with a fire in their bellies and a firm footing in love. Your baby is not “good.” Your baby is perfect. And your baby will change the world."

With all of the crazy gun violence that still continues to permeate our schools, this article about lockdown drills really hit home.  Something HAS to be done. 

Dear Mom, You are Stronger Than You Think. 

This is a beautiful craigslist letter.  You never know who's life you are changing

Overthinking Worriers are probably creative geniuses. #Winning.

Screw Finding Your Passion. "If you’re passionate about something, it will already feel like such an ingrained part of your life that you will have to be reminded by people that it’s not normal, that other people aren’t like that." <-- You mean not everyone screams at the TV when the media portrays birth incorrectly and fear mongering? Or your husband doesn't tell you "Shh I get it, you're right, I'm just trying to watch the Girls finale." Great article.

Did you read anything great in October? 

Book Reviews: September/October 2015

It’s November! Can you believe it?  I can and I can’t. I love this time of year, but I also know it’s a crazy quick slide right into the holidays and 2016, and there is inevitable chaos that goes with that.  Hoping that I can find a way to stay focused on goals while still enjoying all the lovely things about the season.

I’ve read 28 books so far this year! I am such a happier person when I’m making the time to read.  I think I already linked, but I loved this post from Fast Company about how busy people find time to read.  It really is all about your priorities. And I love that they commend those who are reading multiple books at once.  I’ve always gotten flack for that, but it turns out that’s one thing that helps me read more!

So here are the 5 books I read in September and October.  If you want to read reviews of other books I read this year, here are Jan/Feb, March/Apr, May/June & July/Aug.

Her: A Novel By Harriet Lane - I can see why the reviews on this one are so divisive. People hate the ending...but I have to agree with the reviewers who also liked the nuance of this psychological thriller. Honestly I don't think I'd even call it a thriller because it's so subtle. And it is all the better for that. I too had a bit of a "wait, wtf??" moment at the end of the book also, but I think the open ended-ness adds to it's realness and charm.

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear By Elizabeth Gilbert - I don't give 5 stars on Goodreads lightly on books. But this one deserved it. I have read many a creative books over the years and especially in college getting my degree in creative writing, but I really loved this one. It's a cheerleading book for creativity and very readable because of how she breaks up the sections. I love her anecdotes and her basic premise that everyone can be creative, how it ebbs and flows and to stop worrying about creativity paying your bills. I like her more esoteric ideas about ideas finding people to carry them out, and her forgotten story that was written by another author gave me chills.

Parenting in the Present Moment: How to Stay Focused on What Really Matters By Carla Naumburg - I enjoyed this book. I thought it had a lot of similarities to Buddhism for Mothers, Momma Zen and Mindful Parenting, but it did so in a less esoteric manner. As meditation and mindfulness has been a big goal for me this year, I appreciate all the reminders I can get. Here's two of my favorite quotes:

"Soothing is about getting in the rain with our kids and letting them know that we’ll hang out with them until the storm passes."

"When we become aware, over and over again, of the voices in our head telling us that we need to use what little free time we have in the most productive way possible, we can let them go. We can tune into what we want and what we need, and make the choice to take care of ourselves just a little bit"  I am so guilty of this and often need a reminder to sometimes just ‘be.’

What Alice Forgot By Liane Moriarty - Liane Moriarty is quickly becoming one of my favorite fiction authors. She's consistent. I know that may sound boring, but it's something I really appreciate in novels. I know that I consistently will get a good story and good writing. It seems I can pick up any one of her books and whip through it. This book was lovely, and being a big fan of "what if" type stories the whole plot line of "what if you lost your 10 years of your memory - what would your 10 year younger self think of your life now" was an enjoyable one.

All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood By Jennifer Senior - I liked this book a lot. It's not a typical parenting book, but an interesting look at how parenting affects the parents, not how parenting affects the kids. 

So many great things in here, but I liked these in particular:

"Joy is connection" It's not about our solitary pleasures that bring us joy in the long haul, it's our sense of connection and bondedness

"Joy is attachment"

"Joy is about being warm, not hot"

"We don't care for kids because we love them, we love them because we care for them" 

I loved what she talked about with the experiencing self versus the remembering self and how we enshrine our memories differently than they were actually experienced. This is true of birth, and parenting. 

Great stuff, definitely recommend to parents to read!

On the docket to finish out the year:  Redefining Girly, our book club pick for November, Bird By Bird which I started a while back and need to get back to. The Good Gut, currently checked out from the library and fascinating. Finishing up Woman Code still & just started Between The World and Me on audiobook. Will compete with my podcast consumption, but it’s a short one. :)  That’s 5…not sure if I’ll have time for anything else, besides reading Clare ALL the Christmas books.

Please send me your recommendations for 2016 though! And follow me on Goodreads.

Happy reading, friends!

K&c September

Every month I am documenting a few of our Mama/Baby Favorites. See July and August for more.

Getting Creative with Big Magic & Bird By Bird |  Getting ready for Halloween with Spooky Pookie

Boots, even though it's still hot | Sweater Pants in the morning, Cool Jumpers in the afternoon

Fall Fruit | Lara Bars, shoving the entire thing in her mouth

Planning all the things for the Fall | Carrying around her "balls" shouting Owwwside

Finding pockets of time to work on crafts | Mama's new zumba stereo and her music on it

Fall is for Pumpkin: Easy Pumpkin Spice Bread

We recently got four cans of pumpkin in a bulk order of food. They have been constantly staring me in the face asking me to bake something.  Especially when the weather is finally starting to cool off a bit here in Sacramento.  Last week was a bit of a chaotic week, so during one nap time I decided it was time to bust that bad boy out. I tweaked this original recipe to make it a teeny bit healthier and quite a bit less sugar.  Honestly, you could probably even take the sugar down to 1/2 or 3/4 cup total.  It's more about the pumpkin and spice flavors anyway!  I also changed it to half whole wheat flour and switched canola for coconut oil and upped the cinnamon a little bit. You can even add a dash of vanilla should you so desire. It came out great. Super easy and super delicious. 

Enjoy.  Yay, Fall!

September Favorite Bits Around the Web

I read so many blogs and articles in any given week.  Whether they are blogs I have in my feedly list or links that people share on social. There's always so many.  But some really stick out or strike a chord in a specific way. Here are some of the great things I read in September. 

Zen Habits always inspires me to be more focused and intentional, and I love this about How to NOT do it all. 

I am totally guilty of at times being the person on the phone, but I am trying so hard to be better about this.  Alexandra always gets right to the heart of the point. 

I'm often asked how, given the insanity of my daily & weekly schedules do I find the time to read - so I particularly enjoyed this Fast Company article about how busy people make time to read.  Really, it's possible if you make it a priority. I promise. Also this one about "reading and neglecting your family" is great too. Sarcastic title, but same point. Priorities. 

This resonated so much.  I am SO guilty of being achievement based, and not solely doing something for the pure Joy of it.  Really need to be better at this. Why you need a true hobby and not just a side hustle.  

Really interesting article about why much of the Gen Y/ Millennial generation is unhappy.  I am thankful that I have somewhat of the opposite problem.  I have a hard time being confident in my worth - but I can definitely see how this 'specialness' is rampant and apparent in much of the Millennial generation.  Generational stuff has always fascinated me.  I am uncharacteristic in that I am Millennial with older Baby Boomer parents.  My dad is nearly in the generation pre-baby boomer.  Whereas, the majority of millennials were raised by Gen X and very young baby boomer parents (which my dad would say aren't really baby boomers at all, ha.)  I do think that makes a difference, or at least it did for me. 

I am pretty sure I often experience all of these seasons of motherhood on a weekly basis. 

Yes! The research Dr. James McKenna has done on cosleeping is amazing and this new concept of "Breastsleeping" so scientifically makes sense. 

What kinds of good stuff have you read lately?