On Identifying as Polyamorous
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For anyone who has been around me for any length of time this last year, it’s been no small feat the amount of growth I have experienced as a person. There are a lot of factors that have made that possible, but one of the biggest ones is that at the beginning of the year Chris and I decided to open up our marriage to additional relationships. It was something we had been talking about for many years, but not something we had decided to take action on until the pandemic began starting to wind down. Sometimes I wonder if we would’ve taken the leap if we hadn’t been coming out of a year of such intense isolation and collective grief? How the path would’ve looked different at a different time in our life. In the early months we stumbled around a bit, reading the books, articles, finding our footing in what works for us as a couple and as a family. We identify as polyamorous. For me it feels like an identity I’ve always had but not one I was able to act on - or one that I even necessarily knew was a “thing.”
I also identify as bisexual/pansexual.
Chris and I have been together for 15 years this coming January. And when you’ve been in a heterosexual marriage for so many years...you don’t typically consider that your sexuality can be any different, so one of the huge gifts of this expansion has been being able to own my sexuality in a whole new way. I have a girlfriend and I have other male partners and I feel more myself than I’ve ever been. Chris and I are also better than we’ve ever been. We’ve had less growing pains than I would’ve expected us to. We’ve met each other’s partners. We support each other in pursuing more love and more happiness and it is such a gift to have the pressure taken off of one person needing to fulfill all of your needs.
Some questions we’ve gotten since we’ve been slowly coming out to those in our lives...
What is Polyamory? The practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. A lot of people define “Open” differently. Sometimes it’s “ethical non-monogamy or ENM” - sometimes it’s purely from a sexual place. For us, it isn’t. And we didn’t set out necessarily thinking this is where we would end up. But opening ourselves up to other full blown relationships has been so fulfilling. And the right fit for us.
I could never do that! Don’t you get jealous? This is probably one of the most common sentiments that people give me/us when we first tell them. Polyamorous people are not some breed of people that somehow do not feel jealousy or envy. But it’s what we do with that jealousy that makes it easier to work through. Asking if there is a need that feels unmet, or something we need more of from our partner(s) to feel supported during any given circumstance. I’ve found it allows us to feel supported by our partners through our feelings - not abandoned - but look to ourselves to find out where that need isn’t getting met. I have never felt more empowered in my own autonomy while also being supported by the people who love me. I also get people saying that they couldn’t “share” their partner. And I’ll admit to having felt that way at times in my life and even at times during this journey. But when I think about a partner as a possession and/or myself as a possession to other people now, it feels yucky. We are all our own autonomous people who just happen to share our love and relationships with others. It has been a huge unlearning, and something I will continue to unlearn over time, I am certain.
How are you and Chris? Better than we’ve ever been. Having other partners to meet our needs has made it so that there is WAY less pressure on our relationship. We aren’t the only ones to be there for each other, to take care of each other or to be there sexually. We have met each other’s partners and communicate with them. We love each other very much and have been able to recognize, accept and celebrate our differences even more so after having opened to this identity / lifestyle.
Do you know your partner’s partners? Yes. The vast majority of our polycule practices kitchen table poly - meaning we get to know our metamours (Partner’s partners) and it has been beautiful for me - being the intensely passionate people-person that I am - to know these important people in my partners’ lives.
How do you navigate your time? The big joke in a lot of polyamorous circles is that it’s all run on calendars and communication. And that’s the truth. Navigating (physical and emotional) time with multiple partners takes a lot of work, coordination, childcare and communication. And for some people that just doesn’t work. But for me, all of that juggling is SO worth the connection and lack of loneliness I have found here.
What are you going to tell your kids? We are still navigating that as time goes on. But we recently came out to Clare. I hope that Buggie just grows up knowing no other way. In a similar way that we preach the inclusivity of other family structures, two moms, two dads, single parents, etc, we have introduced them to the concept that people can love people who they don’t live with or who they aren’t married to. She met my boyfriend and girlfriend and Chris’s girlfriend at Friendsgiving. Afterward, we explained who they are. We told her that my girlfriend also has a kid her age and how my boyfriend is very much like her and I are when it comes to feelings and emotions. And she said “I can’t wait to meet them again!” I also asked if she understood that it means mommy has relationships with boys and girls and she said “That’s great!!” It was so heart filling to know that she hasn’t been indoctrinated into the “heterosexual monogamy is the only way” culture that is all around us. And I only hope that we can continue to steward her open spirit as time goes on. I also know that over time there will be more nuance about how we share - but we really just want them to know that there are so many ways to love and how lucky they are to have parents with this capacity to love both each other and others and that their parents have partners who also care about them very much.
So why am I sharing this publicly? First - because it’s intrinsically who I am to share my authentic self with others. My biggest goal in most of my interactions both in person and online is for people to not feel alone in their experiences and feelings and to connect or resonate with something I say or share. But also - continuing to come out to people individually is so, so super emotionally draining and exhausting...I know SO many people, and can’t really go anywhere in Sacramento without running into someone I know, have worked with, who’s been in a childbirth class, etc. And I never want to feel like I’m hiding this huge part of myself out in public. So the ability to be “social media public” takes some of that pressure and anxiety off.
This lifestyle isn't a fit for everyone. But for ME, I feel more like myself than I have ever felt in my life. I have a tremendous amount of love and support and people who care deeply about me - intimate, spiritual, sexual, friendship connections that I never would have thought I could find. I have never shied away from sharing my life, my struggles and myself with not only friends and family, but acquaintances and clients and even strangers on the internet. Because my desire to connect with others and be authentically who I am outweighs the small fears of judgement. And any of you that know me or my mission at the Root know that I strive to make an inclusive space for parents and parents to be. And I want this to include not just all gender and sexualities, but polyamorous parents as well. Family and Love doesn’t come in a one size fits all model. I’m here to say I have found SUCH joy and love and happiness in this alternative model. So if you see me out with one of my partners that is not Chris, please say hi. I’d love to introduce these important people in my life to you.
