2022 Reflections

It’s a little bit funny that my word for 2022 was “Steadying” because the year was anything but. Sometimes you set an intention and the universe laughs. But I can say without a doubt I am walking out of 2022 the most “me” I have ever felt. With wholehearted abandon I got 6 new tattoos in 5 months and 2 piercings on a whim that I couldn’t imagine my face without now.

 I had some very intense relationships that allowed me to learn a shit ton about what I want and deserve when it comes to being in relationship…my patterns, my attachment style, how I show up. I discovered that at my core I am more Relationship Anarchist than I am even polyamorous. I have enjoyed sexual friendships and have realized the power in platonic partnerships (Amy is my queer platonic life partner forever and ever.) As I put my last playbill away today I counted and I saw 20 musicals in 2022. After having zero from March 2020 to August 2021 - it feels wonderful to be back in abundance of theater and to already have many planned for 2023. My reading habit has unfortunately been abysmal this year. And I hope to get back on my regular track next year. 

Before July, I had only been on a plane solo one other time and I had barely traveled solo just via car. I flew 7 times this year. I stayed in Airbnbs 9 times solo plus a couple hotels. Have found my favorite spot in San Rafael for my city shows. I didn’t realize how much I needed the space away from the kids and partners and clients and everything to just think and work and down regulate my nervous system. I’m sure those numbers will increase in 2023. 

It’s been a wild fucking year when it comes to my health. I found out in January of this year that my RA had progressed enough that I needed to move on to adding a Biologic to my medications.  I grappled and grieved the reality that I would be injected with something for the rest of my life. I started Humira.  A month later I got a full body drug reaction rash that put me on a high steroid taper that took me from April to July to taper down on.  In April I got Covid for the first time. Once the steroid taper was done we decided to have me try a new biologic - Orencia this time.  Immediately got a horrific kidney infection…we thought it was killed with one round of antibiotics…it returned while we were camping and Chris and I had to go almost an hour to a rural ER.  The kidney infection set off the whole chaos of finding my cervix stuff and what led to what should’ve been my hysterectomy this week. But Covid was like nope, I’m back! So now the surgery is rescheduled for Valentine’s Day 2023.  In the meantime, I’ve never been fully properly treated for RA, only bandaided with steroids and medication stops and starts through the chaos.  So here’s hoping that getting through the hysterectomy and getting the medication right, that 2023 will be a much more positive year when it comes to feeling well. Sometimes I can get down about how much it takes me to stay well. I have: a therapist, psychiatrist, Primary DO doctor, Integrative MD, two acupuncturists, a massage therapist (who also happens to be one of my close friends), two naturopaths now, a rheumatologist, a regular OB, now a urogynocologist, a chiropractor, an osteopath, too many chronic pain devices, herbs, supplements, creams and medications to count. I do floats, I try to get to asha when I can. Someday I’ll have my own freaking yoga practice back again. I write all of this out not for sympathy but more to remind myself that I’m DOING A LOT. And I am my own worst critic when I still struggle despite all of this. But I am proud of myself and proud that I keep fighting and keep going and striving to do all of the things I want in my life - despite. 

This year, I learned the meaning of twin flame and soul connection.  I learned what it’s like to love someone with an addiction. Between a new therapist from last January whom I love, and with some really dear friends’ cheering me on, I’ve come the farthest I’ve ever been with setting boundaries in a healthier way. And that I have to love myself to set them so that I can love others with the wild abandon that is my nature.  I can’t keep abandoning myself and that impetus was tested So. Many. Times. This Year. I can not abandon myself AND still love and be loved fiercely. 

I got closer to my metamours this year, including our crazy Hearst Castle camping trip, our polycule continues to become family. 

Amy moved in May and ironically we became closer than we were in Sacramento and we are on track to birth two businesses together in 2023. San Diego has become a true second home to me. The Moys, chosen family. 

Maybe I’m wrong to think steadying was the wrong word. Maybe it was in fact the right word, I just didn’t realize how much of an unsteady and chaotic year would need to happen to allow the stage to be set for the end of the year to find that steadying feeling. It’s like the settling of the snow after a snow globe has been shaken up.  As I end this year recalibrating expectations after the surgery reschedule and making all of the lemonade out of lemons (see the graphic below that Curt sent me that pretty much sums up the year) and spending time in the snow with a partner today, and planning my birthday next week, I am feeling myself getting to that steady place. So maybe it’s not that the year was all about steadying - it’s that the chaos and unsteadiness of the year is what needed to happen to get to a place of ACTUAL steadying. 

It’s been one of the hardest years for me personally. But I am grateful for all of the experiences it threw at me - the physical pain, the pure heartbreak, the repairs, the strengthening of relationships, the development of new ones, because it has all made me who I am today. 

“Who can say if I’ve been changed for better…I do believe I have been changed for the better...But because I knew you, I have been changed For Good” 

And yep - that’s gonna be the next tattoo I get with Gary in a couple weeks in SD :) Add to my musical tattoo arm. 

I am feeling really excited and hopeful for 2023.  I have picked a word and have some thoughts around intentions. I  hope to get some time this week to write and dream and plan and share. 

Happy New Year, friends.