Questions and No Answers
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Yesterday I spent most of the day crying on and off. Culminating in ugly-cry sobbing in one of my partner’s arms for an hour, my body shaking, breathing hard while he somehow wrapped me in compassion. My fingers ache as I type this. I’ve just finished a prednisone taper and the RA is fighting back. The months and months of pushing and holding it together collapsing beneath me. But on top of processing with my people, I process by writing. So here I am, turning to the blank page to spray my thoughts across the internet. In some way hoping you can relate. Even if it’s just a piece of it. Maybe you aren’t a parent. Maybe you aren’t a business owner. Maybe you aren’t polyamorous or coming into new pieces of your identity and sexuality. Maybe you don’t have a chronic pain autoimmune disease. But maybe you have bits and pieces of all of these things and can relate to the absolute relentlessness of life right now.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m heartbroken and tired from having to carry so much heaviness. Sometimes I feel just numb and dead inside. I’m tired of doing the endless mental math. Worried, apprehensive phone calls and texts with my employees who are also good friends. What’s “safe enough” - what’s not? When do we need to cancel a class at the studio? Do people still want to come in person? Is my studio the only place that feels safe because we are taking precautions and following the rules?? Will I ever feel safe in a yoga studio again after all that we have watched crumble in that community these last two years? How many times do I have to furiously answer emails on my phone or make last minute changes? Can I afford an assistant to take the pressure off? Or do I need to wait and see if everything collapses again?
When will I not have this huge wave of grief every Friday when I have to spend Sutter Group on Zoom with a handful of sad, numb postpartum moms, when I used to be able to hug the same moms in person with their first kids in a crowded room of 35+ moms two years ago?
When will kids under 5 be able to get the vaccine? When will we stop seeing scary headlines of hospitalized kids and risks for future underlying diseases? If I get it - will I get sicker because of the RA? Even while boosted? WHY are people still not vaccinated? Why are people willfully filling up hospitals and dying??? Will I ever be able to look at certain people the same after all of this is over? Will this EVER all be over?
When will we get to stop freezing our asses off outside or with my studio garage open - which by the way makes my RA WAY worse - because it’s safer Covid-wise?
The thought of schools shutting down again or Chris’s Amtrak runs being changed again physically makes my stomach turn. I don’t know how we keep going.
I told boyfriend Chris (yes, more than one Chris, if you weren’t keeping track) - that I’m so frustrated that my body is not cooperating with me on top of everything else. And he said “It’s really not fair that this whole new world and identity has opened up to you while you’re also trying to learn your body’s limits.” It’s true. I feel like I’m a completely different person than I was 2 years ago. Even one year. And navigating all of that while dealing with chronic pain and the constant hyper vigilance around Covid for the health and safety of my people and for the wellbeing of my business have me in a constant state of nervous system overdrive and overload that something has got to give.
And this is certainly not me asking for advice or suggestions on how to fix any number of things, because believe me I’ve done IT ALL. And continue to do it all. And I know by comparison I am incredibly lucky. I have multiple committed partners who love me - metamours that I care a lot about - best friends who get me, know me and love me - parents who are in town to help - a fantastic babysitter - a therapist, a psychiatrist, an acupuncturist (2 once Molly is back to work), a massage therapist who is also one of my best friends. Conversely, I have friends who are healthcare workers or have spouses who are healthcare workers who are terrified. I’m watching single moms try to impossibly navigate this alone. I have a minimum of three good friends dealing with divorce. Half a dozen of close people in my life are pregnant and fearing for what this new variant could do to their labor, themselves and their babies. I’m holding all of this because my empathetic heart doesn’t know how not to and it’s too heavy. And my hands full of rheumatoid disease - calling it arthritis negates the severity - cannot keep holding it. I have a lot of good in my life- and yet I’m still really struggling. And I just want you to know that you aren’t alone if you are too.
